No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
