I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
