I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
