this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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