Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
