hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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