I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
