He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
