i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
