pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
