My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
