btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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