I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
