Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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