his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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