Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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