Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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