Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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