She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
