my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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