If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
