You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
