A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
