recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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