Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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