Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
