pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
