i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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