I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When did angry sex become our thing?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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