my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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