She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
