He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
