Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
