i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
