...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
