I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
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