there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
