Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
