Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My underwear smells like fireworks.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think your dad took our porno
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
