no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
