Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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