My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
