Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
