What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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