I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
