I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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