Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My balls are so social today.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
