you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
