Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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