I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
