you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
