So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
